


Gratitude

by LifeinFanfiction



Category: Free!
Genre: Asexuality Spectrum, Character Study, Demisexuality, Free! Rare Pair Exchange 2017, Haru is adorably confused, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Free! Eternal Summer, Rare Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-22 21:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12491108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeinFanfiction/pseuds/LifeinFanfiction
Summary: "Wandering these quiet streets, buzzing with anticipation and excitement and something else that made him feel like he might crawl right out of his own skin, Haru is forced to admit that the person he has become is miles away from that indifferent sixteen year old entering his second year of senior high. "Haru's jog on the night before Regionals and his thoughts on how much he's changed since they'd started the swim club. Maybe Nagisa plays a bigger role in all of this than he'd thought.





	Gratitude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [annaslastdalliance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaslastdalliance/gifts).



> My assignment for the Free! Rare Pair Gift Exchange. There's something about this pairing that's always been dear to my heart, so I really hope you like it!.

_Makoto, I appreciate you being here for me._

If he’s being honest with himself, Haru will admit that that was pretty high up on the list of Most Embarrassing Things he’s ever said in his life. Appreciation. Gratitude towards others. What did stuff like that, complicated and messy and more-effort-than-it’s-worth, ever have to do with swimming? Swimming is about the water, about being as close as possible to the most wonderful substance that has ever graced this good earth, in Haru’s opinion.

He’s pretty sure he’s right about that one. After all, at the end of the day, water is what makes all life possible, right? Surely that must make it pretty amazing. Most people just haven’t seen it yet.

Swimming is about being utterly free in the one thing that accepts him completely for who he is, demanding of him only his passion and skill.  It doesn’t judge him for his incomprehension of life in the outside world, amongst other people and their baffling concerns and strange insecurities.  Above all, it’s something he does _alone._ Just him and the water and nobody else, no mixing it up and getting it all bogged down with whatever incomprehensible hang-ups other people inevitably brought into the mix – obsessive competitiveness, fear, and self-esteem issues, to name a few.

 _At least, that’s what I used to believe_. As he sighs and looks around at the streetlamps flanking the streets, hours before the start of Regionals, Haru admits to himself that he might have made a mistake or two along the way. Not about the water or how incomparably wonderful it is (has he mentioned that yet?), but about how best to enjoy it. More specifically, about swimming and the people that swim with him. The Iwatobi boys, naturally, but also Gou, Coach Sasabe, and even Amakata-sensei. These people, they hadn’t only made it possible for him to swim every day, they’ve also made it… well. Better, maybe? Nowadays, swimming doesn’t just get him closer to the water, it makes him closer to other people too. More comfortable around them, interacting with them and understanding them, now that he sees on a daily basis that they share even a fraction of the joy that he feels when he’s in the water. It’s almost like the swim club has taken water and swimming and Haru and threaded them all up with the people around him, giving him his own little gateway into the outside world.

As he continues to jog through the quiet city streets, night breeze whipping through his hair, Haru has the feeling that he might have felt something similar once. Back in that elementary school relay race with… well, with Rin. Back before it had gone all awry, when some cheeky eleven-year old with red hair and a toothy smile had goaded him into joining with a frankly absurd promise – “ _I’ll show you a sight you've never seen before!_ ” And Haru had acquiesced, half out of bemusement at his sheer nerve (should it even be possible to be that corny?). Not only had they swum together, they had won, and Haru had been surrounded by laughter and tears and sounds of happiness. And for a while after, he thinks he believed. Believed that having other people swimming with him and for him was worth it.

But of course that hadn’t worked out long, had it? Rin left for Australia to pursue another dream just as suddenly as he’d come, and he’d returned drained of all his previous joy, the spark in his eyes gone and with it the last of Haru’s belief in the value of sharing the water with anyone. For if Rin, with all of his once-vibrant enthusiasm and cheek and love for life, couldn’t see the value in having teammates, how could Haru?

Yet somewhere along the way this year, something had managed to convince him once more. He’s here, isn’t he? Despite all his reservations, all his apathy and reluctance, he is in the biggest city in the prefecture on the night before the Regional Swimming Tournament, about to join his teammates in a relay he thought he would never swim again. Wandering these quiet streets, buzzing with anticipation and excitement and something else that made him feel like he might crawl right out of his own skin, Haru is forced to admit that the person he has become is miles away from that indifferent sixteen year old entering his second year of senior high. That Haru would never have imagined joining a newly minted swim club, entering tournaments again, let alone embarking on all sorts of wild and occasionally life-threatening adventures (seriously, who trains on deserted islands?) with a bunch of rag-tag swimming boys. There’s no way around it – he’d definitely changed. The question is, what, or perhaps who, had managed it?

As with other times in his life, when Haru’s been confused about the world, his mind immediately goes to Makoto. His oldest friend, who has always accepted his idiosyncrasies and who strives in everything to make life easier for him. Though he knows he doesn’t acknowledge it often, he doesn’t quite know where he’d be without Makoto there getting him out of bed every morning, hurrying him to school on time, and generally translating Haru’s eccentricities to the people around them. All this time, Makoto is the person who has helped him keep his life comfortable, manageable, unexciting… the same.

It’s with something akin to regret that Haru realizes his dearest friend could not have been the one to do this for him. Makoto has known him too long, is too accepting of who he is – his dislike of change, his apathy for life outside the water – to have been the driving force behind Haru’s renaissance as someone who actually looks forward to swimming with his friends. For whom swimming in a relay might actually be better than going it alone.

Who then? Nobody has been that close to Haru, ever. It can’t have been Rin. Not this darker, angrier Rin, all hard lines and defiance and obsession with winning. Well, he is glad to see Rin swim again, to be free from even a little of the guilt he had carried with him for so long. But the last time they had raced each other, Haru had lost. It wasn’t the losing that had upset him. It was the way Rin had made it seem like nothing else mattered – that the only reason he had swum with Haru was to beat him and now that he had, he didn’t need him anymore. Didn’t need any of them.

 _Sigh._ Haru doesn’t know what it is about this train of thought that nags at him. It’s important, somehow, to figure this out. Because he doesn’t want to go back to being that person who didn’t care, who lived life solely for the next dip, the next swim, the next time he could be alone. If he’s being honest with himself, he likes the person that he’s become. The realization makes him pause for a moment, breathing in the cool night air.

Haru supposes that, whichever way he looks at it, the changes in his life all lead back to the Iwatobi swim club. He likes that he has daily practice with his teammates to look forward to. He likes that he’s come to care about people (Nagisa, Rei) outside of Makoto enough to try and understand them, to make them happy. He even likes (though he’ll never admit it) that his life gets shaken up by the occasional misadventure. His mind flits to everything that’s happened since they’d started – Rei sinking like a stone after Nagisa dragged him to Samezuka, camping out on the beach, the mildly-deranged spark in Nagisa’s eyes once he’d seized on the “Deserted Island Bootcamp”. He thinks of the abandoned rest house that they’d found, the ominous refrigerator, absurd penguin impressions, the pool of stars under their feet. His mind fills with memories of crazy spy antics, of strawberry flavoured onigiri and bright laughter under the sun, of rooftop meetings and lunch inspections and sneaking into swimming pools –

“Haru-chan!”

The eager, affectionate tone of voice is so familiar that for a moment, Haru thinks he’s still caught up in one of his memories. Looking up, he sees someone waving eagerly at him from across the street.

“Nagisa?!” What is he doing out this late? As Nagisa jogs over to meet him, Haru gets the impression as he often does that he is a little too bright, a little too happy to fit in with his surroundings. There’s always something about Nagisa and his perpetually cheerful enthusiasm that seems inexplicably untouched by the world around him. It’s odd, Haru feels like he was just thinking about that before –

“What are you doing out here, Haru-chan?”

There he goes again, letting his thoughts wander. “I… was just out for a run.”

Nagisa laughs. “That’s just like Haru-chan! I’m up because the lights coming through the window woke me up, it’s so much brighter here than in Iwatobi you know. Isn’t it amazing? But then I looked over and Rei-chan was gone, and he’d taken his stuff with him, and since it’s the night before the race I thought I better go look for him, because you know how Rei-chan is when he doesn’t get enough sleep, and…”

Nagisa takes his hand as he continues to chatter on, leading Haru along the pavement with a sense of purpose that doesn’t seem to befit the fact that neither of them know where they’re going. But then again, Haru thinks, that’s always been Nagisa. He’s always been willing to dive straight ahead, trusting that the world will show him something new and exciting and worthwhile. Haru, on the other hand, has always been one to hold back.

“Oh Haru-chan, look! A playground! I haven’t been to one of these in ages. C’mon, let’s go sit on the swings!”

Bemused, Haru lets Nagisa lead him to one of the swing sets. He watches as Nagisa kicks his legs happily, clearly delighted, and he thinks he might never have enjoyed a playground as much as Nagisa does in that moment. Unexpectedly, Nagisa turns to him with a knowing glint in his eye.

“Why did you come out here, Haru-chan?”

The question takes him aback. “I said –”

“Can’t sleep, right? ‘Cos you’re nervous about tomorrow?” It doesn’t sound like a question.

“Not really.” Haru averts his eyes. He doesn’t think he can explain the thoughts churning in his head since he’s been out here, though he also gets the unsettling feeling that Nagisa might be right.

“Actually, I’m feeling pretty nervous myself,” Nagisa admits, taking Haru by surprise.

“You are?”

Nagisa laughs. “Yeah. Not like me, huh? I keep thinking things like, what if I screw up my dive tomorrow? Wouldn’t I end up ruining it for everyone? Things I wouldn’t usually think about keep running through my head.”

Haru’s taken aback by that. He didn’t think Nagisa had it in him to be nervous. He’s always just seemed so confident that things would go well that Haru had assumed Nagisa didn’t care about failure like the rest of them did. Haru doesn’t fear losing, he’s just scared that –

“But that’s because I get to swim in a relay with Haru-chan again! That’s a really big deal! And on top of that, we’re racing Rin-chan tomorrow. So that’s probably why you’re nervous, isn’t it?”

 _Maybe that’s it_ , Haru thinks. Haru isn’t scared of losing like other people would be. He’s scared because the best he’s ever felt in the water was during that relay so long ago, even though he’s denied it ever since. But somehow, and he has no idea how, that had led to him ruining swimming for Rin. Somehow, being teammates and swimming together and racing together had led to Rin quitting, to Rin being filled with anger and negativity and resentment of his friends. So Haru had never swum competitively again, never wanted to feel that whirling mass of guilt and shame and confusion.

But Nagisa hadn’t let that stop him, had he? He’d come to Iwatobi High intent on swimming with Haru, and he’d made it happen. He’s the one who pitched the idea, got everyone on board, and filled out the official paperwork. He hadn’t let Haru or Makoto back out when they’d seen the run-down state of the school swimming pool. He’d even found their fourth member, making short work of Rei’s initial reluctance with his trademark optimism and enthusiasm, just as he had Haru’s. Without Nagisa, none of this – daily practice, tournaments, Regionals, _relays_ – would have happened. Without Nagisa, Haru might have stayed the person he’d been since junior high and forever lived with the regret of what had once been.

“Haru-chan?” says Nagisa, clearly confused by Haru’s prolonged silence.

“It’s all thanks to you, Nagisa.”

“Huh? What is?”

“All of it.” Armed with his newfound revelations, Haru finds himself filled with the sudden need to make Nagisa understand just how grateful he is for what he’s done, for starting the swim club, for believing in him, for _everything_.

“You were the one who came up with the idea of the swim club in the first place.”

“That is true,” replies Nagisa, sounding somewhat confused by the sudden change in subject.

“At the time, I never thought I would swim in a relay again. I thought I didn’t _want_ to swim in a relay again. Without you, none of this would have happened.”

Finding his footing again, Nagisa puts on a conceited front and replies, “Well in that case, I guess you should be showing more gratitude towards me from now on!” 

Haru doesn’t know how else to make Nagisa understand his seriousness other than to go straight for it, so he simply says, “That’s true”.

“Eh?”

“Thank you, Nagisa. Thank you for everything.”

Haru watches as Nagisa’s expression changes gradually from confusion to surprise to delighted understanding, eyes widening and a pleased flush stealing across his cheeks and he thinks, _finally_. That is, of course, until Nagisa leaps at him with unbridled joy, shouting his name with delight and responding with the kind of over-the-top enthusiasm and affection that Haru usually finds off-putting. And though he protests effusively (well, by Haru’s standards) and tries to calm Nagisa down, Haru can’t help but think that maybe, just this once, Nagisa’s excitement is quite justified.

It takes some time for Nagisa to quiet down, though his arms are still lodged around Haru’s neck. They’re in a rather awkward position on the swings, Nagisa’s head on Haru’s shoulders and the rest of him doing an excellent impression of an octopus happily wrapped around its favourite rock. Haru has given up on dislodging him and they sit (cling) for a moment, taking in the soft shadows of the dimly lit playground. Haru feels significantly calmer than when he’d first set out on his run, and maybe it’s the gratitude and relief and contentment that seems to fill up every corner of his body, but he’s surprised to find how comfortable he’s come to find Nagisa’s form nestled around him.

When Nagisa speaks again, his voice is uncharacteristically shy and quiet. Haru doesn’t think he’s seen Nagisa shy before, but he doesn’t meet Haru’s eyes and a blush still lingers on his cheeks (has he gotten redder?).

“You know, Haru-chan, I’ve always… liked watching you swim too.”

Haru’s glad that he no longer feels uncomfortable about people saying that to him, confidence in the strength of their team grounding him.

“I know. I’m glad.”

“No, I mean – well, yeah, that too. I mean, um, well…”

Baffled at Nagisa’s clear embarrassment, Haru tries to turn to look at him, but he buries his face deeper into Haru’s shoulder.

“I mean, I think you’re an amazing swimmer, like Rei-chan does. But I also, I think you’re beautiful! And you’re so talented, not just at swimming, but at drawing and cooking, and you’re always so calm and you do well in school and swimming with you is the best and… well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that… I like you the way girls do when they confess at school.”

Mind blank with surprise, Haru freezes for a moment. Almost immediately, Nagisa starts backing away.

“I mean, I know Haru-chan doesn’t really think about these things, and even if you did, why would it be me right? I like, annoy you all the time, and it’s not like I expected anything anyways, so you don’t have to take it seriously…” Nagisa trails off with a nervous chuckle, clearly trying to laugh it off as a joke. He’s completely untangled himself from Haru now and looks like he’s ready to bolt any second. Acting on instinct, Haru grabs his hand.

“Wait.”

“E-eh?” Surprised, Nagisa glances at their hands nervously.

Haru needs a moment to process this. He doesn’t quite know what to make of it yet, but he does know he wants Nagisa to stay. Contrary to what some people might think (and he’s overheard Rei and Makoto talking about this) Haru isn’t uninterested in the idea of romance. He’s just hardly ever met anyone who inspired passion in him, and isn’t that what liking somebody is about? Looking back, the only person who’s come close to being that was Rin. His eye-opening love for swimming was so different yet no less intense than Haru’s own. That relay had opened up a whole new world of swimming and happiness and relationships for Haru and for a while, Haru had thought that maybe… well. Rin had left for Australia too soon and that had never gone anywhere.

Haru looks at Nagisa again and he thinks that it might not be so different this time. Nagisa has done the same thing for Haru, open up a world for him he didn’t know existed, giving him a renewed zeal for life and forging connections to the people around him he could never have done alone. And Haru realizes that he wants to keep going. He wants Nagisa to keep showing him new things, keep expanding his horizons, keep balancing out Haru’s apathy and reluctance with his brightness and joy and sunny optimism. Nagisa makes him… feel, and even though it’s taken him some time to realize that, now that he has he wants to hang on and not let go. Maybe that’s what liking somebody is. In any case, he wants to give it a try.

“Haru-chan?” If anything, Nagisa looks more nervous than before. 

“Ok.”

“Ok… to what?” Nagisa says hesitantly.

“Ok, I accept your confession, and I want to try–” (what did people call it?) “–dating. I want to try dating. With you.” He’s not quite sure why, but Haru can feel his cheeks heating up and he finds it surprisingly difficult to maintain eye contact. He’s not sure he minds though.

For the second time that night, Haru watches as Nagisa’s eyes widen with joy, cheeks rosy and jaw slack with surprise. He’s so open with how he feels, Haru thinks. The happiness is so clear on his face, so very, very bright, and Haru just knows that he won’t mind seeing it again and again, for quite some time to come.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated :)


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